WestCon Tribune

April 2000

RELATED HUMOR

UPCOMING EVENTS

Related Humor:
For those of you who missed this most appropriate story read at the last meeting or asked for a copy:
NOAH BUILDS THE ARK FOR THE YEAR 2000

It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted, "where is the Ark?"

"Lard, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike, I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenter-persons to build the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood, They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe. Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan, I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft".

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the Earth, Lord?"

"No", said the Lord sadly, "I don't have to. The government already has."

Housing Starts:
Marginal Rise in February

The Commerce Department reported a marginal increase in housing production of 1.3 percent in February with an annual rate of 1.78 million units.

Multifamily housing starts rose 19.5 percent while single-family starts fell nearly four percent with the reduction partially attributed to the effects of higher mortgage rates.

In a recent survey by the National Association of Home Builders (NAHB), builders indicated that they were less optimistic about the future and are gradually scaling back their plans for single-family home construction. Issuance of housing permits also fell in February which is another indication that a gradual slowdown is in progress. Permits for housing construction were down 8 percent overall to a rate of 1.63 million units and single-family permits declined 7.7 percent and multifamily permits dropped almost 9 percent

UPCOMING EVENTS

Forensics 2000
The second Forensic Engineering Congress will be meeting in San Juan, Puerto Rico May 21-23, 2000.
This opportunity will enable participants to get powerful insights into some of the most relevant and challenging issues in the industry.
Professor Mete Sozen, Kettelhut Distinguished Professor of Structural Engineering, Purdue University, will open the conference with a detailed report on the 1999 earthquakes in Turkey. Dr. Sozen visited Turkey during this difficult time and will provide a firsthand, scientific evaluation of structural behavior during this seismic event and documenting the resulting social and economic impact of the earthquakes.
Conference highlights include:
• Special Pre-Conference Workshop on Potential Disaster Assessment
• Tutorial on Becoming an Effective Expert
• Plenary Sessions on the Times Square Scaffold Collapse
• Retrospective on the Kansas City Hyatt Collapse
• 21 interactive technical sessions allowing a chance to share experiences and network with leading forensic engineering practitioners, researchers, and teachers.

Forensic engineering is growing at an unprecedented rate and is one of today's most dynamic civil engineering disciplines. At the 2nd Forensic Engineering Congress, information will be available to help those in the industry stay abreast of the far-sweeping changes being made and help gain an understanding of the latest technical advancements.

May Meeting
Westcon's Second Annual: "How to Get Paid For Expert Consulting Services". One of the most popular meetings and important to everyone will again be presented by Attorneys and Westcon members, Geoff Wood and Jonathan Bacon. Bring your problems, solutions and accounting or collection staffs and share in a wealth of information. To help the "juices flow" there will be wine on the tables and a raffle.
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IDEAS? If you would like to give a presentation to Westcon, or have ideas or topics you would like discussed, please notify Fred Field, Program Director at (415) 485–5882. All suggestions are welcome!

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